NORCAP LODGE DETOX

VILE SELF PORTRAITS, CHAPTER SIXTEEN

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The nurse handed me a bedpan and sat across from me.

"I gutta ask ya a coupla questions fa intake, okay? How old ah ya?"

"Nineteen."

"Are ya a veteran?"

"No."

"Didja go ta college?"

"No."

"Gutta job?"

"No."

"Do ya havah healthy home environment?"

"No. I’m homeless."

"Any mental health issues?"

"Probably."

"Any that ah diagnosed?"

"Depression."

"Do ya take any medications?"

"No."

"When was ya last physical?"

"No idea."

"Okay… what’s ya drugga choice?"

"Heroin, but I take benzos, too."

"How do ya take the heroin?"

"I… sniff it."

"How long have ya been usin’ it?"

"Two years."

"When was ya last dose?"

"Last night."

"What about the benzos, how often do ya take those?"

"Every day."

"Whadaya take exactly?"

"Xanax, mostly. Sometimes Klonopin… whatever my dealer has."

"Okay… I’m gunna list some drugs, just tell me if you’ve evah done them and how often."

"Okay."

"Alcohol?"

"Yeah, but not since I started dope."

"Marijuana?"

"Daily."

"Cocaine?"

"Yeah, but rarely. I’m not a huge fan of uppers."

"Methamphetamine?"

"Not meth, but I’ve done amphetamine. Half of America is on amphetamine."

"Right… what about pain pills like Vicodin, Oxycontin, or Opana?"

"Of course."

"Maintenance drugs like Suboxone or methadone?"

"I take methadone whenever I run out of dope. Never liked Subs."

"Ya get the methadone off the street?"

"Yeah."

"Okay… heroin, check… how about sleepin’ pills?"

"No. I’m not opposed to them, though."

"Hallucinogens?"

"I’ve done mushrooms and acid."

"Ecstasy?"

"Yeah, in high school."

"Ya said you wah nineteen?"

"Yeah."

"…"

"…"

"What about inhalants like nitrous?"

"Yeah… my first job was at an ice cream shop."

"Any otha drugs I’m missin’?"

"I’m… not sure."

"Have otha people said ya havah problem with drugs?"

"Yeah."

"Have ya evah been arrested fa behavior that occurred undah the influence?"

"Yeah."

"Have ya evah tried ta cut back on ya drug use and been unsuccessful?"

"No. I’ve never thought of quitting."

"Have ya noticed that it takes more of ya drugga choice ta have the same effects?"

"Yeah."

"When ya stop usin’ ya drugga choice, do ya experience withdrawals?"

I vomited into the bedpan. "Yeah."

"Do ya focus a lot on gettin’ drugs?"

I wiped the puke off my lips with my sleeve. "It’s all I do."

"Have ya stopped doin’ activities ya enjoy because ya were usin’ drugs?"

"Everything."

"Last one. Evah been in treatment before?"

I vomited. "No, first time."

"You’ll be all right, hun. Can ya sign here? And here?"

I scrawled someone else’s name.

Brad Zangetti.

"I need ta search ya now, hun. Are ya okay with me doin’ it, or do ya wanta male staff memba?"

"That’s okay. Just be gentle."

She smiled. "You’re a funny one."

I vomited. "Yeah."

"Stand behind here and remove ya clothes. Put all ya electronics, any money ya have, cigarettes, lighters, and ya shoelaces in here." She handed me a clear plastic bag.

"My laces?"

"People get sad here."

I stepped behind the divider and stripped.

My entire body was a goosebump.

"Okay, ready."

She appeared wearing blue nitrile gloves. "Turn around." I turned around. "Squat and cough." I squatted and coughed. "Open ya mouth." I opened my mouth. "Lift ya tongue." I lifted my tongue. "All right, you’re good. Get dressed." I got dressed. "Follow me."

I followed.

◆◆◆

Blood flecked the inner right sleeve of my plaid button-down. I imagined the act, the warmth, the seduction of oblivion, running my fingers across the stains.

"Payin’ attention, kid? What’s ya name again, buddy?"

I’m not your fucking buddy, I thought.

"Yeah, I’m listening. It’s Joseph."

"Whadaya lookin’ at, Joey?" The crowd went wild. "What’s on ya shirt that’s more important than what I’m sayin’?"

He stood before me.

"Nothing, I’m just… nervous. I got here an hour ago…"

"Ya hear that, gents? He’s nervous! Let’s see ya sleeve, buddy… yup, this kid’s still gut blood on his sleeve! He hasn’t even washed the junky outta his clothes!"

"…"

"Lemme ask ya a question, Joe. How ya gunna get bettah when ya still gut fuckin’ blood on ya sleeve? Ya gut one foot in, one foot out the door, don’t ya?"

"No—"

"Yeah ya do, Joe Joe. Ya can’t bullshit me, I was just like ya. Well, maybe not that bad," laughter, applause, "but I was a fuckin’ worthless junky, too. A real fuckin’ piece of dirt. I stole from my fuckin’ mutha. I betcha Joey has stolen from his mutha, right, Joe Joe?"

"Can you—"

"Right. I mean, look at this kid. Take a real good look. Drink it in, gents," snickers, "This is exactly what ya don’t wanna look like. No offense there, Joe Joe."

"I—"

"Ya believe in a higher powah, Joey? Somethin’ greatah than yahself?"

"I never thought I was that great to begin with."

"We gut a smaht one! I’ll take that as a no, Joe Joe. And listen, I agree with ya," laughter, applause, "but if ya don’t accept a higher powah, ya nevah gunna get bettah. Ya gutta accept God, Joey. Ya gutta ask fa his fahgiveness. Do ya think ya can do that, or are ya still a worthless fuckin’ junky?"

"Fuck you!"

"‘Scuse me? Can ya believe this kid?"

"I said fuck you, you fucking asshole! You can’t just fucking… haze me like this!"

"Haze ya? Hear that, gents? Nurse, whadda we think about this?"

"Joseph, ya can’t speak ta staff like that."

"Are you not hearing how he’s speaking to me?"

"Ya gutta toughen up, Joe Joe. Thicken that skin, almost like ya did with the needle," laughter, applause, "I don’t think he’s gunna make it. Whadaya think, gents?" A wave of scoffs rolled over the room. "All right, all right, settle down. Let’s give Joe Joe a chance. Ya gunna be a man and apologize, Joey?"

"Why the fuck would I apologize to you?"

"Okay, Joseph. Come with me."

"Good luck, Joey! Everyone say bye ta Joe Joe!"

"Bye, Joe Joe!"

"Fuck all of you!"

Laughter, applause.

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